I Don't Know

My Little "Peanut"

 I’ve been humbled lately by the seemingly LARGE amount of things that I don’t know. Before I left for Haiti, people often asked me if I was nervous. I would respond by saying something like, “I feel under-qualified for this; I’m a brand-new nurse, and I don’t know anything.”  And I was kind of right.

I don’t know why the child in our nutrition program isn’t growing, I don’t know what the strange bumps covering that baby’s skin are, I don’t know what that atypical heart sound is, I don’t know what the nannies are trying to tell me, I don’t know how to calculate how many calories our premature baby needs per day, etc. Thankfully, I’m not alone. There are plenty of staff that have been here a lot longer than me, have a lot of wisdom, and are willing to help. And probably more importantly, I’m learning that it’s okay to say: “I don’t know. I need to look it up. I need to ask for help.”

I also don’t know Haitian culture. And I don’t know the history of this organization; the efforts made before I arrived. And I’m learning that I need to be more quick to listen and slower to speak. I’m learning to find my voice; to speak up when necessary, to advocate for our kids when needed, and to ask about things I don’t understand.  

I am getting to know our kids. I try to spend a little time in the life house each day, learning each child’s face and a little more about their personalities. I have completed the pretty large task of writing medical profiles for each of our kids, helping me to learn their histories. Our Haitian nurse and I are currently working together to do physical assessments of each of our kids.

I am getting to know new friends. Our Haitian nurses our great; they both have such BIG personalities and tolerate my broken attempts at creole very gracefully. Jenna and I have started hosting Wednesday morning bible study at our house with some of the older missionary kids and their mamas. This past week we hosted our first “Fika;” ladies coffee hour every Thursday afternoon. We are THRILLED to be in our house and filling the space with friends.

I am getting to LOVE on a beautiful little girl. She was born premature, is now nearly 4 weeks old, and has been staying with us for the past 10 days. Her mama passed away and her family needs some time to grieve and to heal before they take her back home. She is the tiniest human I have ever held, and she is so perfect. So perfect that I don’t really mind feeding her at 3 AM J

I’ve been learning that that Jesus is here, and He knows far better than I do. He doesn’t expect me to have it all together, but rather to choose to live within His presence in the present.

A wise friend of mine once said to me: “Beauty isn’t wrapped up in being fine all the time.” And now I know that she couldn’t have been more right.

“Jesus comes not for the super-spiritual but for the wobbly and the weak-kneed who know they don’t have it all together, and who are not too proud to accept the handout of amazin’ grace. As we glance up, we are astonished to find the eyes of Jesus open with wonder, deep with understanding, and gentle with compassion.”

 – Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel 

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